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Mummy Ping and the Snake Man of Evil/Script
bus pulls up to a stop. Lee boards it. Lee's Inner Monologue: Howdy folks. Lee Ping here. I'm the kid who got detention for a whole year. But ''that was ages ago.'' sits down by Holger, who is humming and carrying a gift basket. Lee: "Okay Holg, seriously. What the what is with all that?" Holger: "It be Holgermiester's tribute for Papa of Pings! Because Holger accidentally be giving Daddy Ping fish pizza and he be allergic to its deadly yumminess!" Lee: "Okay, so–you're going to the hospital to give my dad that uh, lovely, gift basket?" Holger: "No! Holger go to harbor to sacrifice traditional basket of happy offerings for untimely fish illness to Poseidon. But your idea being much better! Okay, bye!" gets off the bus. Lee: calling "Tell Dad I'll visit him after detention!" Lee's Inner Monologue: Okay so where was I? Ping, detention, whole year, Dad, hospital, right. So, besides all that, turns out stink ninja's been spying on me and my family. And not just in the creepy watching every move we make way, more in a collecting our DNA kinda way. Which def falls into the full-throttle creepy category! And why? So not sure. But he did say– Memory The Serpent: "You're nothing but a half-rate copy of me." Lee's Inner Monologue: –which is uber weird, considering some, most, ''all of our teachers are clones, aka copies? Oh and the proof of that? Biffy and I found their regeneration pods. So maybe I am a clone of that guy. Whoa. Heavy.'' bus stops. Jenny boards, and Lee waves to her. Jenny smiles. Lee's Inner Monologue: Or maybe he just said that to mess me up. Dude does love messing with people. Like how he used Jenny, dating her, then ''stealing the book. What a–'' Jenny: "Lee. Sorry for losing the book." plops down beside him. "Ugh, majorly bad judgement on my part, I know. But–what's the deal between you guys? You have like almost the exact same tattoos." Lee: at his tattoo "I dunno. But there's a slight chance I'm his clone. So that kind of bites." bus stops, and Lee and Jenny get off. ---- Detentionaire ---- swaggers into the schoolyard. Camillio: "Hey, chicos and chicas! Welcome back Cam! This hombre's expulsion days are over, bros and brosettes. Finito, and the end." Short Boy: "Look, it's the cheater." Fat Guy: "I'll bet he cheated to become president." Squeaky-Voiced Guy: "Get him, everyone who actually works and studies hard!" Camillio: "Get me? C'mon!" runs away from the angry teens and dives into a bush. He takes out his phone and calls Brandy. "Yo Brandy, where you at girl? Trouble in paradise here!" Brandy: "Home, couch, sick day! Or maybe sick month, I haven't decided yet." Camillio: "What? Is this just 'cause you like got voted out of the Glams? You gotta come to school today chica! It's like super mucho importante, ohnkay? Cam needs your lady charms to help smooth out a whole lotta ruffled feathers." Brandy: more despairing as she speaks "Don't you get it, if I'm not in the Glamazons it's over, I'm nobody!" Camillio: "It's just temporary! Oh hold on." ducks back into the bushes as the angry mob runs past. Mrs. Silver: the phone in the background "Cassandra, I assure you, I know nothing about a breach in the database coming from my home." Camillio: "All clear. Okay. Look. Just 'cause like an angry mob is hunting me down, you don't see me giving up." Brandy: "What ever Cam, give it a break! There is no way in a million years I'm coming back to that school." Mrs. Silver: offscreen "Brandy, were you going through my private things?" Brandy: quietly "Ugh, busted." normally "Um, see you at school." Camillio: "Wait what?" out of the bushes "Awesome!" dancing "Eeh ooh ooh ahn ooh ahn ooh–" Tech Nerd: "There he is!" Camillio: "–awesome, awesome, awesome!" Tech Nerd: "What's he doing?" Boy in Hat: "Probably some weird cheating dance. Get 'im!" boys charge towards Cam. ---- is ready to leave her apartment. Brandy: "No Mom, I didn't take your lip stuff. Bye!" opens the door. Two cleaners walk in, dragging behind them a large machine. "Okay, fine, I took it." the lipstick at a third cleaner "Here, sorry, it just so doesn't even match your complexion." leaves. Behind her, the cleaners begin removing stuff from the apartment and scanning it for fingerprints. Mrs. Silver: "What's going on? How dare you barge in like this! You bucket of bolts." cleaners find some fingerprints on a hall table. They scan for matches. "What? Stop! Put that down!" fingerprints match Jenny and Tina. Cassandra, in her basement lair, sees the readout and places a call to The Serpent. Cassandra: "I've sent you a file about a mission." sees him lying on a couch. "What's wrong now?" The Serpent: weakly "What does it look like? I'm sick." sneezes. "The least you could do is offer me some hot-and-sour soup." looks at the two targets. Cassandra: "I'll have my chef whip some up, with a side order of roasted sarcasm. You just rest your weary little head, and I'll have someone else do your job." signs off. The Serpent: healthy "It looks like little lady J. J. has gotten herself into some very hot and very sour soup of her own." throws off his blanket and stands up. "Mmm. Tragic really." hisses. The Serpent: "I know, I should probably do something, Priscilla." down the tablet "But Daddy's got a doctor's appointment. And he's just not gonna get any better till he sees him." up his helmet and heading for the elevator "Paging Doctor Ping!" laughs evilly as the elevator doors shut. ---- steps out of an elevator and into a hospital room. He stops when he sees someone completely wrapped in bandages. Holger: "Oh no! Holger turn Daddy Ping into mummy Ping!" onto the mummy "No-ho-ho! Why?" the next bed over, Mr. Ping coughs to get Holger's attention. Mr. Ping: "Over here Holger." runs over and gives him a hug. "Too tight! Too tight!" releases his friend's father and runs over to get his gift basket. Holger: "Holger bringing you traditional basket of happy offerings." them over "Flowers, candy unicorns, rhubarb cake-pie, and don't eat the earwigs until they dip themselves in melty chocolate, okay? Or spoil treat. Now! Will you be forgiving Holger from school?" Mr. Ping: "It's okay. I know it was an accident." Holger: "Ja! Holger swear he no secretly try to kill Lee's papa in real life okay?" out a folded piece of cardboard "But, in most celebrated board game in home country, Holger from school will destroy you!" slaps the fish-shaped board on Mr. Ping's lap. "Let's play." Mr. Ping: "Another time, maybe. The nurse gave me a shot. It's–" yawns. "Making me drowsy." Holger: "But–everyone loves Gafankleshoop." tearful "It's befavorite–board game–in. Home. Country." Mr. Ping: "Okay Holger. One–" yawns. "Quick game." Holger: "Ooh, goodie!" out some items "Rules be simple, so easy even rubber ball could understand." tosses the ball over his shoulder, and it bonks the mummy on the head. "I be green shoe with brown shoeylaces, and you be joyful tuna!" realizing "Oh. No. No fish. No fish for you." tosses the game piece over his shoulder, and it hits the mummy. "You be purple bowtie with one polka dot. Then, when Handsome Kelly come, you must call gafankleshoop before he says gafunkleshoops! Or, you be tied up with Uncle Redford until morning times." Ping begins to doze off. ---- punches a code into a locked classroom's keypad. His code is rejected. Biffy: "How about, 'I hate all teachers?'" is rejected again. "Nope." Lee: him "Yeah. That might not be the password. What are you–" Biffy: "Doing? Ha! Same as you. We both smelled knockout gas here." Lee: "Yeah! And ten bucks says there's a way to the pod room through there." Biffy: "So, we're up to speed." eyebot zooms up to them. Biffy pulls out a hall pass. "Uh, hall pass power!" laughs. Lee: his pass as well "What he said." news comes on. Tina: "Good morning, A. Nigma High, I'm–" Chaz: remotely "About to eat a bucket of you've been scooped sausage? Shabang!" Tina: "Yeah. Right. Chaz, where are you, and why is it so dark?" Chaz: "Hey, good questions Tina, yay, you finally got yourself a clue. But hold the applause, 'cause Chaz has got something so breaking it's already broken, yeah. Ssh!" whispering "They're coming." Tina: "Who's coming? And seriously, are you hiding in a locker?" and Brandy are walking down the hall. Camillio: "Uhnkay. Just get to class, stay outta everyone's way, and hey, is that a new gloss color?" Brandy: whispering "Check, check, and why yes it is! Thanks for noticing." slumping "Aw, today's gonna set a new record in awful, isn't it." Camillio: "Naw, we're golden girl, we just gotta–" leaps out of a locker beside them. Brandy: "Aah!" Chaz: his cell phone to record "Boom like a shaka ding dong!" Camillio: angry "Yo, why you gotta be jumping out of lockers and scaring people, yo?" Chaz: "'Cause–" singing "Chaz's Corner!" normally "Brings you an exclusive, that's why. The return of the humiliated ex-president, and his sad-sap ex-First Lady and ex-Glamazon herself, Brandy! Wowzerpants, no shortage of exes there." the camera on Brandy "Tell us, what's it like being the two biggest losers in high school history? And Brandy, is that a new shade of lip gloss, it's horrible!" claps a hand over her lips. "Am I right people?" Camillio: "Uh, no dude, you are so not right, u-uhnkay, you know why?" the phone "'Cause it looks uh, good!" Chaz: "Gimme that!" takes the phone back. "Are you crazy? The colors totally clash. This just in, it's official, the ex-president so needs glasses." Biffy: "Uh, dude, Chaz is letting loose with both barrels blazing!" Lee: out his cell phone "On it." makes a call. Tina answers. "Tina! Any chance you could help Cam out, y'know cut Chaz off or something? It's getting pretty bad." Tina: her eyes "Tell me about it. Stepak's trying, but Chaz changed all the passwords." puts on her backpack and leaves the newsroom. "Don't worry, I'll go down there personally and handle Chaz. This isn't news, it's tabloid junk!" hangs up. Suddenly, Principal Wurst appears in front of her. "Uh. Sir! I-if this is about Chaz's broadcast, we're already on it." Principal Wurst: jolly "That? No. It's rather funny, but you must come with me. I've learned something so terrible–well, let's say if you could flavor-seal its bitterness you'd have one sour candy." Tina: "Wait, what're you talking about?" Principal Wurst: "Why your favorite subject Tina! Coral Grove." Tina: wide "Okay. You have my attention." Principal Wurst: "But it's not safe here." out a pair of Groucho glasses "Put this on so they can't tell who is who." looks at him oddly. The principal has his own pair of glasses on. "Ssh." starts wearing the glasses. ---- Ping is sleeping. Holger rolls a die and begins moving his piece. Holger: "Uno, erntz, gruben, verte–" picks up a card and reads it. "Now Holger be having two borfnord, and vun gibberpappy, which means–" at Mr. Ping "Ooh-hoo. Look. Sleepy times." up Mr. Ping's blanket "Just like cute baby." singsong "So sweet. Hmm hmm hmm." panicked "DOCTOR PING! WAKE UP! IT'S YOUR TURN!" to the window "Wakey wakey!" the blinds open "Hello, Mister Sun!" spots The Serpent pulling up to the hospital. "Hello MISTER POO NINJA? Oh no!" ---- is still broadcasting Cam and Brandy's humilation. Chaz: "For all of you just tuning in after a bathroom break, you are not gonna wanna miss a minute of this! We have–wait! Hey!" grabs Cam and Brandy by the scruff of their necks. "Get back here! Oh this is seriously breaking news!" pulls them back to him. Camillio: straining "Let us go!" Brandy: annoyed "Dude's like way stronger than he looks!" Biffy: Lee punches in codes "Thought you stuck Tina on fixing that! It's getting worse!" Lee: annoyed "Ugh, this is never gonna open! Can't you like hack it or something?" Biffy: "Uh, how? There's no inputs! You can't get into its wiring!" Chaz: "Brandy. So Kimmie totally booted you from the Glamazons and destroyed your social status like completely, if you could say just one thing to her, what would it be?" Brandy: "You know that pink sweater that went missing? I took it. I look better in it anyway." opens a locker door, and Kimmie steps out. Kimmie: "Ha! I knew it! And you so do not look better in it." to Chaz "And what is wrong with you? You do not go around trapping people in lockers! And you do not look nearly as good as you think you do in that outfit." Chaz: "Ouch. Felt that one. Point Kimmie!" Lee: Biffy "Hey, your girlfriend's on TV." phone rings. Biffy growls. "Holg, sup?" Holger: scared "Lee! Snake Man of Much Evil is being here and Holger is so scary!" Lee: "Whoa what? You serious?" Holger: "Ja! If Holger joking he would be saying knock knock, who is there, the snake man, the snake man who? The Snake Man of Evil!" Lee: "Okay Holg I get it, put Dad on." Holger: "But Papa Ping is sleeping like the dog from magic fairy needle that sleepy-time nurse be giving him!" Lee: "Okay. Listen to me Holg. Stink ninja must be after Dad. Which means–" Holger: "Oh. Holger using old hospital body parts to create a second Dad and giving that to Snake Man of Evil?" Lee: "No! Dude, please. Don't do that. Like ever. You need to hide my dad and keep him away from that guy. Got it? I'm on my way." starts running and hangs up. Holger: "Mm. Must hide Dad. Must hide Daddy Ping so vell, no one ever be seeing him! Hmm...either Holger be taking out everybody's eyes, or..." looks between Mr. Ping and the mummy. "Ooh! Holger smell...ideacake!" sniffs the air. "Mmm, and real cake." picks up a cupcake and eats it. ---- and Principal Wurst enter the principal's office. Wurst looks out the window in the door, paranoid. Principal Wurst: "We should be safe in here. For now." Tina: "Safe from who?" off the glasses "This can't be fooling anyone." Principal Wurst: "Ssh! Bugs. Them. Who else?" Tina: "Who is them? Coral Grove them?" Principal Wurst: "Precisely my dear. Bunch of low-down scoundrels. Make me work in your brain factory, will you? Ha! Candy apple?" Tina: it "So you really were there? It's not some fancy resort, is it. It's something else. I knew it!" Principal Wurst: "You are a genius Mizz Tina. If we had some files on them, we could sure turn a few tables around, yessiree Bob." Tina: "I do have files on them!" takes out her laptop. "I-I just need to log in, I can show you." Principal Wurst: "Really. You do. How interesting." lips curl into a sharklike grin. "Tell me everything." ---- is dressed like Doctor Detective Cop and wrapping Mr. Ping in bandages when his phone rings. He answers. Lee: "Talk to me Holg." Holger: "Holger rushing, busy with medical procedures. All okay, call you back!" Lee: worried "Wait, did you just say medical procedures? On Dad? Hol–" hangs up, finishes wrapping Mr. Ping in bandages, and wheels him out in a wheelchair. Holger: the reception desk "Nothing to be looking at here! Just another successful mummy transplant surgery! I am doctor of detective cops! Like from Holger's favorite TV show in home country, with the mummy patient?" receptionist looks at him suspiciously. Holger begins pressing the elevator button. "And now you be thinking who is this Holger fellow? No. Nononononononuhnuhno. There is no Holger. Only Doctor Detective Cop. See?" receptionist presses an alarm button on her desk. Holger begins pressing the elevator button faster. "No need to call in." the elevator "Hurry! Hurry!" green hazmats have arrived. Holger gives up on the elevator and pushes Mr. Ping down the hall, making a run for it. The hazmats chase. As soon as they pass the elevator, the doors open, revealing The Serpent. The Serpent: into Mr. Ping's hospital room "Whoa, someone is extra allergic to fish, huh? Guess it runs in the family! Might wanna try moisturizer for the hives, instead of wrapping yourself up like a mummy. You know like normal people do?" mummy lets out a muffled complaint. "Just saying, gee, relax." a lollipop out of Holger's basket "You gonna eat this?" mummy continues to mumble. "I guess not. Okay Doctor Ping, let's have that father-son chat we never had. So, I met this girl, and well, gosh darn, I like her and how do I tell if she likes me?" giggles. "Just kidding. Let's go back further than that." pulls a picture out of his jacket. "To around, this time." ---- is still punching in codes. He hears a loud yell and looks up. Brandy: "You wish!" Kimmie: "No, you wish." Chaz: "We're back, and it's nine to eight in the burn department. Kimmie's in the lead, it's still anybody's game." Kimmie: "Oh yeah? The only reason we even let you in to the Glams, was because I wanted to see if I could turn an ugly duckling into a swan. Turns out, you were a donkey." Chaz: "Bada boom and an ouchie-wawa! Point set match, unless Brandy's got an ultra-combo burn up her sleeve. This match is over people." notices Brandy huffing angrily. "Wait a second. Brandy seems to be literally filling up with rage." lunges at Kimmie. Cam holds her back. Camillio: "Brandy, dude, don't play this game! You are like at a ten right now, you need to chill to like a five or a six max." Kimmie: "Yeah. Anyways, this was fun." leaves. "Ciao ciao." tries another combo. A teacher walks past, and he stops pressing buttons. Biffy's phone rings. Biffy: angry "Oh hey mystery man, where'd you go?" Lee: "The Serpent's at the hospital!" Biffy: offended "And you didn't think to bring me in as backup? I'll be right there!" Lee: "No. This is personal, and there's still tomorrow, so crack that code." hangs up. Biffy: angry "Crack that code? I'm not your stupid hacker, Ping!" realizes Lee has hung up. "Uh, Ping? Ping?" Kimmie: him "Aw boo hoo, is someone having a fight with their little cuddle buddy?" Biffy: "Oh, hey. Nice interview. If anyone had any doubts you weren't a totally cruel egotistical viper, they won't anymore." Kimmie: "Whatever. I don't wanna talk about it. Whatcha doin' anyway?" Biffy: "Uh, trying to break into the teacher's lounge to stop one of your mom's evil plans." Kimmie: "Stop saying my mom is evil!" Biffy: "Yeah I'll stop when your mom stops being evil." Kimmie: "I can so make you stop now. I know the code to that. Want it? So? Is my mom evil?" Biffy: "Well, she's not, not evil, enh?" Kimmie: "Okay then, I'm not not telling you the code. Point, moi." ---- Serpent is still by the mummy's bedside. The Serpent: angry "Well? Say something already." rips some bandages away from its face. Bandaged Man: "Dude. You got some serious issues. And the wrong guy!" Serpent angrily hurls Holger's gift basket at the wall. ---- another part of the hospital, Holger runs up to the elevator. Holger: "Mummy coming through!" spots a cleaner approaching from each side. "Must save mummy Ping from Snake Man of Evil." presses the elevator button frantically. "Oh no! Too many scary things! Too! Many!" ---- is trying to get into Coral Grove. Every password she tries is rejected. Tina: "Okay, for some reason I can't seem to log on to the Coral Grove site." Principal Wurst: worried "Gee willikers, maybe they're onto you." Tina: "But how? There's no way anyone knows. Except–Jenny, and-and she'd never squeal." Principal Wurst: "Really? Are you sure of that?" Tina: "Positive. Why?" Principal Wurst: "Mmm, no reason, mm, do go on." Tina: "Well, the files seem to show that various people have been taken away to Coral Grove, like you. And it all seems to be under Kimmie's mom's orders." Principal Wurst: slowly "Uh-huh. Fa-scin-ating." taps a button underneath his desk. "Do tell me more." Tina: "And Brandy's mom, as a judge, seems to make it all sorta legal–" ---- elevator doors open in the hospital, revealing Lee. He leaps out. Lee: "Holger, Dad, trouble?" Holger: "Ja! Save us, Lee of Pings!" Lee: "Happening." yanks Holger and his father into the elevator, and pushes two buttons, one for the ground floor and one to close the doors. The doors shut just before the cleaners reach them, and Lee breathes a sigh of relief. Holger: Lee and speaking in falsetto "Ooh, my herohogen!" normally "Lee Ping is greatest action hero of all time!" Lee: Holger off "Yeah, yeah okay, I'm awesome. But those guys are nothing compared to The Serpent! And we still gotta get outta here!" Ping stirs. "Dad? Dad?" the elevator's power fails. "Great. Now what?" familiar high-pitched giggle is heard. ---- and Kimmie are still arguing. Biffy: "Okay! Your mom's, sorta, evil-ish?" shakes her head. "Only evil on weekends?" Kimmie: "Four words. Your mom's not evil." tries another code. It fails, and he groans. Kimmie: chuckling "As if you'll ever get it by guessing." punches the door in frustration and turns back to her. Biffy: "Okay fine. You win. But the only reason I wanna get in this room is because your mom is evil! Do you see the irony in that?" his forehead "Okay. Your mom's not e–" to finish the word "Your mom's not eee–" looks at him. "Oh what? She has robots at her beck and call! Those bugs she put in everyone's bedroom? That was to find a key Lee had, so they could open a pyramid under the school! Hello! I mean she tried to poison me the other day!" Kimmie: "Four. Words." Biffy: "Oh the only reason you know the code is 'cause your evil mom came up with it. It's probably something all villainy like the first four letters of her name or something." eyes widen in realization. "Oh. C a s s. Enh, it's worth a try." taps in the code 2277. The door opens. "Ha ha! Totally worked!" Kimmie: surprised "What? No, it's two two seven seven!" Biffy: "Uh, kinda know that already." Kimmie: "No way!" off "Lamest coincidence ever." Biffy: after her "Uh, no, it's 'cause your mom's evil!" himself "Access to free pod room accepted. Lee's gonna be stoked." ---- hearing The Serpent's giggle, Lee raises a hand to his temple. Lee: "You've gotta be kidding me." Holger: whispering "No, if Holger was kidding you, he would say knock knock, and Holger would say who is being at the top of my elevator, and then you would say–" lights come on in the elevator. "Ah-ha-hoo!" The Serpent: in from a removed ceiling panel "Finally! I found the gooey center inside. Hmm-hmm! Now, all of us are in one place again." gracefully somersaults into the elevator. Holger: determined "AAHHHH!" charges at The Serpent. The Serpent nimbly steps aside and pins him to the wall. Mr. Ping begins to quiver underneath his bandages. The Serpent: a picture from his jacket "This is what I wanted to show him. But I can show you first." picture is of Mr. and Mrs. Ping with a baby. Lee: confused "Why do you have this? And why is the mark different on my arm?" The Serpent: "Turn it over and you'll see." Lee: the back of the photograph "Nineteen ninety-two? But I was born in nineteen ninety-seven." The Serpent: "Ah, but I'' was born in nineteen ninety-two. Not everything is about you, Lee Ping." ''remembers the picture he found of a baby with his parents where he could never remember being at the site where it was taken. Lee: shocked "Huh?" takes another gander at the picture. "This baby is–you?" Ping quivers underneath his bandages. The Serpent: his scars "Yours doesn't quite match, does it? But it does match his." Serpent takes out a knife and slices away at the bandages covering Mr. Ping's upper arm. A tattoo identical to Lee's is revealed. Lee gasps. The Serpent cuts the bandages away from Mr. Ping's head. Mr. Ping: "Lee! Don't trust him. He works for them. It could all be a trick!" The Serpent: Mr. Ping in his wheelchair "If I'm not who I say I am then why do I know that your father added a tattoo to your birthmark, and you added the same protection to him? But not me! Why was that?!?" Mr. Ping: shocked "No!" scared "It is you." Lee: "Dad? What's he talking about?" The Serpent: "Tell him! Or do you need more proof?" out a key "I can show you plenty! Let's go! Come on!" puts the key in the elevator's emergency lock and turns it. "Show and tell!" Holger: "AAHHH!" charges at The Serpent again. The Serpent knocks him to the ground, and for good measure kicks Lee down too. Mr. Ping: "Lee!" The Serpent: "Don't spoil the family reunion, boys. It's been so nice up to now. Stay here, and maybe we can catch up a little later." elevator doors open, and The Serpent walks backward out of the elevator with Mr. Ping's wheelchair. "Okay, bro?" doors shut on Lee and Holger. Lee sighs, then looks at the picture again. Lee: "I don't get it. Am I a clone of him, or is he–my older brother?" Holger: at the picture "Either vay, coochie coochie coo! So cute. No?" giggles. ---- is still working on showing Principal Wurst the evidence when he looks up. Principal Wurst: "Ah, yes you're here, come on in." Tina: surprised "Huh?" blue robot reaper enters through the office door. Tina: "What's going on, who is this?" Principal Wurst: nonchalant "Oh, him? Ah, consider him your guide, you know, for the grand voyage you're about to take." Tina: "What voyage? What are you–" gasps and backs away from him. Principal Wurst: kindly "Bag of candy? For the trip? Oh you know to that place you just can't help but be so fascinated by." sinisterly "The place where people are sent who know too much." gasps. The blue reaper looms over her.